The Ramblings of Ridiculicious

International Humorist

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A One-Legged Effeminate Cyclist

We've had a rather serious crime spree in Cabbagetown, Georgia.  So far, just about everyone has had something to say about it on the neighborhood website.  Reading my neighbors' comments has me even more convinced I'm living in an alternate universe.

For example, Troy, the gay hotel designer with his own name tattooed on his back (so his boyfriends won't forget his name),  is furious because people are leaving stuff in their cars -- just inviting crooks to steal. This just doesn't show street sense people!  He had this to say about the crimes:

If you wouldn't have left anything in your car, would it have happened? I guess it is like the tree in the woods; would the tree have made a noise if it fell and you were not there to hear it? I find it amazing how street people/people without a roof or a common means to survive have reduced their life to simplicity and people with college educations/careers/live outside their means, acquire credit card debt, commit adultery, 1 out of 2 marriages ends up in divorce......knowledge/education/street sense, I wonder. We are all victims if we chose.  Or we could be responsible and live a choice-driven life. I ponder.

Good point Troy! And can you share some of that weed!

Laura the middle-aged mortgage lender who IS SO OVER MEN IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY responded:

Troy, I think you are  WAY off base. If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is there to hear it, it still fell. You're missing the point. If the car is left unattended, and a THIEF steals something out of the car (which is against the law) he is sill stealing. There's a great song by Kelly Clarkson, "Because of you, I am afraid." You would have to live in a perpetual state of paranoia not to be able to run into your house for a few minutes without locking our car. It would be a horrible mental/emotional existence. No one did anything to bring anything on themselves. To suggest otherwise is ridiculous.

You know when someone brings up Kelly Clarkson, they have got to be angry. And they probably need to get laid.

Indian Ad Executive, Jiri, has a plan to deal with the crime. He wants everyone to pinpoint on Google maps where the crimes are so that we can find the perp. He adds:

...after we catch the guy, I will drop him off at Troy's house so we can all fire up a fatty and debate the beauty of living a life of simplicity and perfection.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. --Antione de Saint-Exupery

Catching a thief -- what a good excuse to smoke a joint!  But I have nothing more to add and hence nothing more to take away from his comments.

Here's what's been stolen in the last few weeks:  My owner's manual and bag of pink Walmart tights for my Halloween Poodle costume; several catalytic converters; a bag of Halloween candy; some Atlanta Falcon's vouchers and some credit card sales' receipts.  These extreme thefts have prompted everyone to post descriptions of suspicious people in the neighborhood:

I saw a man put a dufflebag next to my car and he was peeing in the windows of other cars on our street. A neighbor saw him work his way down the street looking in car windows. The neighbor was in the process of calling 9-1-1 when I started locking my car over and over again so that it would beep.  The man slowly retreated, picked up his dufflebag and left. The cops said they have sent a car to patrol the area and a description has been given to the cops.  -- Lynn on Gaskill

Wow, stealing and peeing in windows. That's too much. I hope, at the very least, he washed his hands.

I did see a suspicious man last night on Gaskill Street outside my house around 9 p.m. He was walking very fast and I think I startled him. He asked me for money while I was at my car. He was about 5'7", an African-American male wearing glasses. He said he lived in the neighborhood, down the street as he pointed to Carrol Street. He was very strange. - Matt on Tye

Jiri responds:

Was there something very wrong with his lip? Did he give you a story about being co-infected with Hepatitis? If it is who I think it is then he is probably not the perp: I don't think this poor guy would be capable...he is very sad.

Sad indeed. Now I know who stole my fucking pink tights. Another Cabbagetowner writes:

Normally, I would’ve shrugged it off, but I saw this guy peering (not peeing) in my car windows and because of the recent spate of break-ins, I called the cops.  As we approached, he attempted to pedal off up Tennelle. I say attempted to, because he was having a hard time riding the bike...since he only had ONE LEG.That’s right, be on the lookout for a one-legged, shifty looking dude on a bike.  Middle aged, scruffy-faced black guy, smoking a cigarette and wearing a knit cap.

So it seems we have a girly, one-legged cyclist with a potential cleft-palate stealing our shit.  How does he do it? Ride a bike with one leg and smoke!?  And wear a knit hat!?  And carry a bag full of catalytic converters!? And why can't I catch a glimpse of this dude?

As a result of all this crime, a group of vigilante Cabbagetowners who call themselves the C-town Ninjas, have decided to dress in black at night, put some laptops in an open car and wait for the guy to peddle up and break in. They  plan to film the break-in... mostly because Rob on Berean Street just bought a hot new night- vision camcorder that he wants to try out.  Strangely enough, the C-town Ninjas have yet to catch the guy. Especially since he's only got one leg.

As I say... an alternate universe.

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Hmm. Something about the coding in this entry has made my friends page all wacky.
That aside, it was funny.

Ah, now it's fixed. Huzzah. Carry on.

Edited at 2007-11-25 07:13 pm (UTC)

Thisd is hilarious. But did you just edit out the part about Troy telling you why he has his name on his back? You should put that back in...

I hate when an effeminate one-legged tree comes out of the woods and steals my catalytic converter...

There's a crimewatch "community" in my neighborhood, and they run around posting up flyers everywhere if there's ever any kind of break ins. Some cars were "broken" into, where glove compartment contents were removed and strewn about the interiors. Nothing was even stolen, but that didn't stop a few bored housewives from freaking out as if we had a serial killer in the neighborhood.

Of course, loose thieves are always good reasons to light up a fatty, right?

It always helps stoners to give them altruistic reasons to light up, even if the coreleations make absolutely no sense whatsoever. Hey, that's why they call it 'dope'!.

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